The practice of magick has roots in the religious practices of one’s childhood. What we learn about the Divine and how we can petition that concept of “God” is what lays the groundwork for when we consciously begin to practice the metaphysical and magickal arts, later on. As a child, I was not really given the belief that I was going to get my prayers answered.
The concept of answered prayers was more of a passing, obligatory reference–something that was more of a possible theory, rather than an actual experience. The idea that stood out more to me was that I was a sinner…that I was condemned…that I was undeserving. Sinners don’t deserve to have their prayers answered. Sinners can be forgiven, eventually, sometime off into the far future–if they put a lot of suffering and repentance into it….but, that should be their main spiritual focus.
We should be allowed to pray for particular results–but when we put more belief, more conviction into our identity as sinners….no other prayer work can really manifest through that energy. The thoughtform of being an undeserving, unloved sinner becomes the emotional waters that colors all of our other spiritual petitions. Prayers are like unborn babies. Our thoughts and feelings are like the amniotic fluid that the baby gestates in. No non-compatible prayers can survive in those negative personal energies.
Being a Sinner isn’t always cleaned out of some of our psyches. We just learn to function as best as we can with the heaviness that comes with that self-identification. Some of us were never taught to have a sense of deserving what we want….much less, deserving our good. By the time we come to consciously accepting that we can possibly have a say in our lives through the performance of magick or conscious manifestation, we have spent many years reinforcing the self-identification of being undeserving. Perhaps when we are introduced to the Pagan gods, it is not always (or completely) that we really believe in them as having had their own independent existence, as much as we would like to believe that there are nicer gods than what Christianity offered us. It might not always be a recognition, as much as a hope that maybe, someday, we will stop believing in an uncaring or mean God.
Even if we never articulate it, some of us come to feel that God has at least abandoned us on this earth–if he is not outright intentionally out to screw us over. MY theory is that we we were never dealing with actual independent, autonomous entities, but more so with thoughtforms masquerading as autonomous entities. I have been working with pagan gods and archetypal godforms for quite a few years, now. But, is it possible that the mean, withholding God of my childhood was still left unresolved in my psyche?
Old thoughtforms can still live as memories. Just as we can have traumatic events or emotionally charged relationships frozen in our subconscious, replaying scenes in vivid color or intense emotion….is it possible that the unpleasantness of our childhood relationship with God is still frozen in some deep part of our psyche? Is it still affecting us, even as we have moved on to other gods?
Working with the imagery of our relationships with the most powerful adults in our childhood can help heal the patterns that our adult relationships are formed after. Many of us simply thought we had ignored or abandoned the Christian God of our early life, on a conscious level. Perhaps there might be some value in consciously healing the negativity that we experienced in the first relationships we had with our childhood concept of Divinity.
This is such a taboo idea. When we were children, it is more than likely that we were taught to never question the actions and attitudes of God (as they were described to us)….God was perfect and above any critique or criticism. Unless children were taught to meditate on their own and given a positive impression of the Divine, most of what passes as religious study is the building of a negative thoughtform. Any and all negative aspects of “God” were to be unquestioned and accepted, under the guise of being dutiful or obedient.
With some of us, God was the original negative force. God was the original withholder, an unfair judge and unable to be pleased. This was the first negative relationship we had with (our incorrect concept of) the Divine. The was the first negative filter we had to justify our perception of not deserving our good, to justify being treated unfairly and not being able to receive what we asked for.
To unravel the negativity of this relationship, we treat this relationship just the same as we could heal any negativity we experienced with our family members. Prepare your space just as you would for any other meditation. Smudge. Cast circle. Do whatever you feel is appropriate.
Breathe deeply. Center yourself. Keeping in mind that you are going to be entering this meditation and acting as your Adult Self (present self), gently allow yourself to feel centered and comfortable in whatever you describe as your personal power. When you are ready, allow yourself to float as far back….or as deep within….as you can, meeting up with your childhood awareness of your conception of “God”.
Keeping yourself in third person, allow yourself to enter a scene where you find the images of your child self relating to God–in whichever way your child self envisions God. When you are comfortable viewing your child self, allow yourself to become aware of what your child self feels, thinks and wants from God. Breathe back into your adult power and centeredness. Within this internal space, address God directly as your adult self. Without judging your reaction, say whatever it is that you would like to say to God at this point, if you could say whatever it is that you wanted to say…then or now. Don’t worry if you are actually working with a literal memory, a symbolic representation or a mixture of both.
Allow yourself to scold, criticize, demand and be negative, if it seems natural….if your (thoughtform of) God was withholding, unfair or unkind in any way. In this meditation space, you are speaking up for your child self that might have felt wronged in some way. If your thoughtform of God did not reflect the generosity, abundance or any other sort of goodness that reflects the beauty of the Universe as you now understand it, let your thoughtform know that he is not representing a generous, loving Universe to your child self. As your adult self, tell this thoughtform what he is supposed to do and how he is supposed to act, to more accurately reflect the abundance and generosity of the universe. Allow yourself to speak freely, in any way which brings you relief. If you like, allow “God” to manifest in some form and allow “God” to apologize or otherwise make amends, and correct his behavior.
Feel free to revisit this internal space, as many times as feels right. Record your experiences and reactions in your journal.