Healing Love Addiction, Clinginess, Emotional Dependence and Other Sticky Feelings

Where do I start?  How about if I point out that the point of spirituality is to be completely aware of your Oneness with the Divine?  Let’s start there.

On the spiritual pathway, we often mix in magick, manifestation, and emotional empowerment.  It is not always a clearcut, direct pathway back towards the ecstasy of Oneness.  Depending on the limitations and structures of our individual personalities, some of us manifest in our human lives as being emotionally dependent beings.  We are the type that wants to find fulfillment through manifesting our preconceived ideals of a satisfying romantic relationship.  We are the type most likely to cast a lot of love spells, maybe also exploring the New Age or self-help aspects of relationships and how to manifest them.

In metaphysical thought, our nature….our true state is Oneness with the Divine.  If we could describe it in human terms, we might think of it as a state of Fulfillment, Completeness, Wholeness.  Nothing is missing.  Everything is included.

However, in order to have a human experience, we must limit our awareness of the bliss of Completeness.  We take on mental and emotional illusions to be human.  To be human is to cut off our full spiritual awareness.  In order to live a human life, we have to narrow our consciousness.

This is neither good, nor bad….but the nature of human existence.  One viewpoint on DESIRE is that we are aware of being part of or “having” something on an energetic or spiritual level….and, coupled with the human delusion that we are separate from that “thing” or energy, we feel the instinct to realize our union with that object of desire, once more.

Being human, we are still aware of the state of Oneness, but it is not a complete awareness….it is almost like a memory or a intuitive knowing that this is a possible state.  As humans, we desire to be in complete awareness, once more.  However, also as humans, we filter this intuition through our human-mental reasoning.  We come up with plans and conclusions for how we get this state of Union back.  Depending on how much we are convinced that the physical world and its objects affect our moods, feelings and states….we come up with conclusions about what needs to happen in the physical world before we are allowed to have the very specific feeling/sensory experience that we describe as “love” or “being in love” or “being loved”.

As humans, some of us incorrectly conclude that we need to have very specific people with very specific qualities (physical or otherwise) perform very specific actions.  Then, and only then, will we allow our personal consciousness to be aware of our state of Completeness.  We instinctively desire to be back in full awareness of Completeness, but we incorrectly assume that it will happen when we are in a human-on-human romantic relationship.

(Depending on the individual’s personality, the substitute for the bliss of a loving/romantic human relationship could be a sexually-satisfying relationship, which follows essentially the same sort of structure, but to keep it simple, I will focus on the emotional/romantic variation.)

In metaphysical terms, there are so many mistakes with expecting Blissful Happiness to come from ANY human-on-human relationship.  The primary mistake is to expect happiness to COME FROM any physical scenario, including a relationship.  Manifestation is the end result.  Thoughts, feelings, energies come before the physical world and its activities…..happiness is what we BRING to the physical world.  Happiness does not manifest in the world UNTIL it is brought in through awareness.

Expecting happiness to COME FROM other humans, at all times, is also unreasonable.  Humans are limited creatures–that is the nature of being human.  No judgement.  That is just how we become human, by cutting off complete Spiritual Awareness and manifesting as a flawed and wounded being, in the world.  Many humans embrace, reinforce and defend their negative limitations–rationalizing that they have reasonable excuses to feel and express sadness, anger or any other negative emotion…and less reasonable justification to feel positive emotions or finer vibrations.  People who strive to experience Joy do so as a personal choice, understanding that it is a personal unfolding.  Unless someone takes personal responsibility for their internal experience, there is no guarantee that they will not continue to express and manifest learned negative human emotion.  It is unfair to expect other people to make you feel loved and/or happy.  A spiritually responsible being brings their own happiness into their relationships.

I have nothing to really back up my perception of children’s experience–what it means to be a child, in metaphysical terms.  I simply have some ideas that I’ve grown into–but, as yet, have little logical support for my thoughts.  That being said, I will now share them.  At this point, I will simply claim that I intuitively find these concepts to be the most correct for my  understanding–I personally believe that at the stage of childhood, we still hold much of our intuition about our state of Wholeness.  As we become more cognitive human beings, we are in two places at once–still intuitively aware of our Oneness with the Divine, as we settle into our humanhood, with its human limitation and delusions.  The conflict is when we are trying to relate to the limited human world (where there is the illusion of separation), while still instinctively remembering the already-present connection with everything on the spiritual level.  It is my personal opinion that this discrepancy is the cause of distress in children–the sense of entitlement (on a spiritual level) and the upset over lack of immediate physical gratification is because, on some level, they still remember the oneness with everything that they seem to be separate from in the physical world.

As we grow up, most of us tend to forget the Oneness more and more, until we completely feel separated from everything.  There is that sense of separation, plus some of us still remember the frustration of being denied or feeling like something is being withheld from us–when we did remember possessing it, at one point.

To further complicate things, children are sometimes placated by adults when they show signs of emotional distress, such as crying.  While it is reasonable to expect to take care of children when they are small, we normally do not teach children to become emotionally self-sufficient as they grow.  Hopefully, children are at least taught to become physically self-sufficient–but, what lacks is training children to become the type of adult that can fill their own emotional needs.

When a capable, self-sufficient adult is hungry, they usually do not wait for someone to come feed them.  When a capable, self-sufficient adult is dirty, they usually do not wait for someone to come bathe them.  When a capable, self-sufficient adult feels cold, they usually put on more of their own clothes, adjusts the central heat and/or puts on another blanket.  They do not wait for someone to come and take care of their warmth levels for them.

For some reason, some self-sufficient adults take care and responsibility for their physical bodies, but still rely on other people to take care of their emotional needs.  Regardless of the fact that very few of us are taught how to take care of another person’s emotional needs–it is just not something that we are overtly taught how to do.  Some of us might attempt to–and might succeed in immediate (rescue or crisis) emotional care, but nothing that is long term,  deeply lasting or transformative/healing.

Those of us adults who are emotionally dependent on others, clingy or hinge our emotional responses on the actions of others…do so with unreasonable expectations.  Some of us expect the other person to make us feel loved or happy, when we have no evidence that they are able to or even want to.  We have no logical reason to assume that they are capable of doing so.  Our logic is based on a “it should be like this” cause-effect relationship, when we have no real evidence to prove that this is so.

In metaphysical terms, we are experiencing a physical world that is the reflection of the attitudes, thoughts, expectations and convictions that we hold in our mental bodies.  This can include all thoughtforms in our conscious and unconscious levels, positive and negative.  This includes all surface, analytical thought as well as those leftover thoughts from childhood–some might be ideas about how things are supposed to be, because we never challenged the ideas.

By the time we become full adults, the relationships that we create can be no better than the thoughtforms that we have invested energy into, up to that time–whichever ideas that we have about love, relationships, men, women, self-worth…all of our strongest convictions in belief manifest themselves in other people.  Unsatisfactory relationships come into our world because of limited thoughts or the lack of elevated/expansive thoughts.

Humans who do not walk the consciously spiritual path, find others to be responsible for their lack of happiness.  They hold lovers, spouses, children, family and others to provoke or withhold their emotional responses.  And that is fine.  Not everyone is spiritual.  Not everyone is following the spiritual path.  Not everyone will follow a spiritual path.  This article has nothing to do with them.

For those of us who strive to awaken, to relate to our spiritual nature once more, we take the effort to remind ourselves that our happiness comes from remembering to SENSE the finer energies that are the essence of the Divine.  Instead of reacting to the presence and movement of the physical world and its objects, we remember to SENSE the flows of energy that come from Spirit.

In formal meditation, focus on whatever you think of as The Divine….The Goddess, The Great Spirit, The Universe.  Start by imagining what it would feel like to feel Oneness with The Divine.  What is it like to feel Complete?  What is it like to feel Wholeness?  Imagine what it would be like to feel absolutely Loved…Loving….Love, Itself?  Play around with these concepts, for as long as you can.  Before coming out of this state, allow yourself to forward this into specific images from your daily life.  What will happen when you bring this state of Completeness and Wholeness into your waking life?  What kind of energy will you bring to your interactions with others?  How positively will everyone respond to this Divine energy?

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